Sunday, September 30, 2018

9 Ways To Fight Fair

1.   Ask yourself why you’re upset. Take time to think about your feelings before you get into an argument.
2.   Discuss the issues 1 at a time: Resolve problems 1 at a time.
3.   Don’t use degrading language: Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings and make your partner feel bad. This just leads to more character attacks.
4.   Express your words with feelings: Be proactive and BOLD. Make sure you show your partner that you mean business WITHOUT being crude!
5.   Take turns: Each person needs to talk and each person needs to listen. Arguments are NOT resolved if this doesn’t happen!
6.   Don’t STONEWALL: If you refuse to speak, you are stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily but the issue will still be unresolved. If you can’t move forward, agree to resume the conversation a little bit later.
7.   Don’t yell: If you yell and think you’ll “win,” you’re fooling yourself. It’s a TERRIBLE idea, and shows the other person that you don’t respect them. The problem will only get worse.
8.   Take time outs: If things get too heated, take a time out to cool down and come back when you are not as upset.
9.   Compromise: Do your best to compromise. Relationships are about “give and take.”

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Sunday, September 23, 2018

Being There

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a memorial service for a lady who worked at my local bank. Although I have not attended a funeral/memorial in decades, my conscience told me to make this a priority. I went, but with trepidation. I didn’t know what to expect.

The service was lovely and respectful. Many people came. I was concerned though that many of this lady’s colleagues didn’t show. It was on a Sunday afternoon. In the weeks leading to the service a number of them asked me if they’d see me there. I said yes and believed they’d show their support. They didn’t. This bothered me A LOT. How could they just not be there?

As I absorbed the moment. I pictured myself as the deceased. I know that sounds maudlin but at 61, you think of stuff like that. Over and over I thought, “In the past, people haven’t been there for me. I’ve supported them when they needed me; why not the reverse? Even in death, would they drop everything to remember me?” Each time I asked myself this, the response was the same. NO!

The service lasted an hour. I left in a hurry. I couldn’t breathe in the intensity of everything. The realization of the lack of people not in attendance bothered me (for this lady), and myself. I got to my car and sobbed at the behavior of people.

When I was younger and a person died, people showed up. It didn’t matter whether it was a family member, close friend or neighbor. People showed up. They showed respect and offered condolences. This behavior reflected integrity.

What has happened to society and our values?

Focus: Kindness, empathy, spirit, friendship, legacy
Question for you: 1) Are you showing up for people or are you making excuses?

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Anger Warning Signs

Sometimes, anger can affect what you say or do before you even recognize how you’re feeling. You may become so used to the feeling of anger that you don’t notice it.
Even if you aren’t aware of anger, it influences your behavior. The first step to managing anger is learning to recognize your personal warning signs.
How do you react when you feel angry. Some of these warning signs start when you are only a little irritated. Which ones apply to you?

  • ·        Mind goes blank
  • ·        Body or hands shake
  • ·        Heavy or fast breathing
  • ·        Scream, yell  or raise your voice
  • ·        Punch walls
  • ·        Become argumentative
  • ·        Pace
  • ·        Insult the other person
  • ·        Start sweating
  • ·        Clench fists
  • ·        Feel hot
  • ·        Go “quiet” and shut down
  • ·        Headaches
  • ·        Face turns red
  • ·        Feel sick to your stomach
  • ·        Become aggressive
  • ·        Crying
  • ·        Can’t stop thinking about the problem

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Monday, September 10, 2018

4 Ways To Resolve Conflict

1.   Focus on the Problem: When a disagreement turns to insults, the conversation is no longer productive. Focus on the problem and don’t blame your partner. If a disagreement becomes personal, take a break from the conversation.
2.   Use “I” Statements: When sharing a concern, begin your sentences with “I” Here’s an example, I feel hurt when you don’t call and tell me  you’re going to be late for dinner. “I” statements show that you take responsibility for your behaviors.
3.   Take time outs: When you and your partner get argumentative, it’s good to take a break or a “time out.” When you’ve  both calmed down, come back to resolving the problem. Make sure that you come back to the conversation and get closure!
4.   Work toward a Resolution: Disagreements are a part of a relationship. Try to find a compromise that benefits the both of you.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Your Brain and PTSD

Here are some “tapes” that we tell ourselves when we’re in a post traumatic stress cycle:

·        “Sometimes, I wish I was dead.”
·        “I’m in pain a lot of the time.”
·        “I feel spacey and I can’t concentrate.”
·        “I have a lot of nightmares.”
·        “I can’t handle the simplest of tasks.”
·        “I’m a doormat.”
·        “I’m so depressed. What’s wrong with me?”
·        “I just want to be alone.”
·        “I can’t concentrate or sleep.”
·        “I feel angry and worthless.”

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