Monday, February 26, 2018

Family Roles: Hero or Good Child

We each have family roles that we've taken on. In this piece, the Hero  or Good Child is explained:

Hero or Good Child
They often see it as their responsibility to “have it all together.” They are achievement oriented and want to be the one that brings honor to the family. They are hard working. They may dissociate from other family members who are problematic. The family hero is sometimes called “perfect child.” On the outside, they look perfect. On the inside they are anxious, and terrified of failure. In order to BREAK FREE from this role, you will need:
1)    Permission to play and not be perfect,
2)    Opportunities to play,
3)    Opportunities to express feelings and needs.


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Communication and Leadership

I am so proud to have this book (Communication and Leadership) in the library collection (State of Illinois). Here's the link: Communication and Leadership

Enjoy!

Bob Roza, President
Integrative Speech, Inc.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

ViewPoint: Hearing vs. Listening


Do you hear what I hear? is a classic Christmas carol. If you really listen you’ll understand its message.

Your day can get crowded with information – talking on the phone, making appointments, taking people to lunch. You can start off listening but as the day progresses, fatigue enters and now you’re  just hearing.

When you step back and listen, you gain something – understanding. Listening brings understanding and the chance to see something that you didn’t see (or hear), before. It’s a second chance to get it “right” and make things better.

The next time you get frustrated with someone, step back and ask, What did I miss?
When you go back, you’ll “get” what you missed – the understanding, and the opportunity to make things better!


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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Don't settle . . . NEGOTIATE!

Compromise can make work a better place. Negotiation is a life skill and process.
One of the most challenging places to handle conflict is at work. Conflict at work can create deep resentment and poor productivity. And if it continues for months (even years), it can affect your health.

As a manager, you need to look at your efforts. You may have to give a lot and get back only a little in return. If you don’t “budge,” you remain stuck without a resolution.
There is a way out – negotiate, negotiate, negotiate ( or compromise).
It can be very effective at work (and can relieve a lot of your stress), but it takes some commitment and you can do (and survive), it.

The following steps can lead you to being a great negotiator.

1.       Be aware: Why are you there – to change a company policy or ask for a raise? You need an awareness of the situation. You also need to know your strengths and weaknesses. What do you do well? What do you need to work on?

2.      Be prepared: Don’t walk into a situation without doing your homework. It will be a disaster if you don’t! You need to research your “topic” before you negotiate or compromise anything.

3.      Talk to the right person: Make sure you’re talking to the right “decision makers” or authority figures. Don’t waste time talking to people who can’t help you resolve the problem.

4.      Don’t assume: This may be your first time. Take it seriously and treat everyone with respect. Don’t take things for granted.

5.      Be flexible: Nothing kills compromise (or negotiations) more than being rigid. You want to make sure that you “hear” all sides. Looking at all the pieces to the puzzle will create a better negotiation and will make you a better negotiator.

6.      Don’t be competitive: This isn’t the Olympics (or a race). You’re not competing for a gold medal or a prize. Competition equals rigidity and if you think the rest of the team can’t sense “competition,” you’re dead wrong. People sense rigidity. It comes through in your body language.

7.      Listen: Very important! Focus on what is said so that you understand all the parts of the situation, and take all views into consideration.

8.     Don’t be critical: Are you a whiner or a perfectionist?  Guess what? This type of person(ality) kills compromise almost immediately. If you walk in being critical or showing a “my way or the highway” mentality, you will turn off a lot of people and make the negotiation harder and tougher.

9.      Work as a Team: Remember, everyone has a viewpoint and ideas that are important. You can learn from anyone! Listening to a different side can give you energy and the chance to settle something quickly, and painlessly.

10.  Think “simple”: Have you ever watched three and four year olds play? They know how to share without a lot of fuss. They put things in perspective. They’re not inhibited. They know what they want and feel. They “simplify” cause they’re little. Learn from them. If things get hard and confusing, make it easier and simplify it.

11.   Take a breather: Negotiating takes time. Sometimes it takes longer than you think. When you’ve reached a dead end or brick wall, take a “breather” to regroup. Go for a short walk, call a friend; whatever you need to change gears. When you’re stuck or blocked, you can’t do more, so why push things further? Taking a break gives you the chance to get things in perspective for the next round.

12.  Get it on paper: You’ve spent a lot of time with this negotiation and you’ve agreed to the details. Get it on paper to make sure both sides agree. Think of this step as a contract. Whenever you are doing something “formal” (making a credit card purchase, opening a bank account), you’re asked for signature. Your signature acts as closure to the business deal. This is a business deal and needs the same kind of closure.

13.  Shut up: Have you reached the end? Are both sides happy? Then, you’re done! When you’ve covered all your points and both sides are happy, shut up, close shop and leave.
Just follow the steps. You’ll get there. Remember, small steps are better than none. You build from small steps and learn from them. Negotiation takes time and is a process. There is no doubt about it!


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Monday, February 5, 2018

Being "Seen!"

Was that O.K.?

Those three words reflected the guests of The Oprah Show early on in its heyday. They were asking Oprah if what they said was quality. Inevitably, it was a YES, but those three words stuck in Oprah’s head. It was what was under the surface, that led her to understand, that her skills as a talk show host would show us all, the importance of validation.

As her show evolved, she recognized that ALL of her guests were secretly saying, Did you see me? Did you hear me? Did what I just say, matter?  The theme was universal. For Oprah, it became apparent  that ALL people need to be validated and acknowledged for who they are. Every show she did exemplified VALIDATION. One of the many reasons she landed  exclusives was because her guests knew that whatever their situation, she would bring validation to them and to others.

It’s amazing how when things  (i.e. home, job, etc.) are taken away, or you face mortality, things become crystal clear. You long for quality and validation with others.

I’ve been in counseling for over a year now and I’m redefining myself. I’m taking steps to “speak my mind” with, and without, filters. The first time you speak your mind, it wakes people up! It doesn’t matter if it’s family or friends. Speaking up and telling people your viewpoints, leads to Did you see me? Did you hear me? Did what I just tell you, matter?  In turn, it leads to a catharsis that is unprecedented for self-discovery and emotional healing. Why? Because, many times we want to be liked. We don’t want to rock the boat, or piss people off. Inevitably (when we don’t speak up), we squash our authenticity. This  leads to a squashed spirit. Nothing is sadder than keeping your mouth shut; especially  if it leads to a change or validation. I URGE you to find your voice and speak up. You might piss people off and inevitably lose them in your personal/professional life but you’ll gain something more important – an opportunity to own your voice and show people who you really are!

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Focus: Validation, Self-esteem, Self-confidence


Questions for you: 1) What issues require you to speak up? 2) Are you addressing them or not? Why? 3) What’s the worst thing that can happen if you show others who you are?