Friday, December 28, 2018

A Full Life

When you learn to take time out to observe a sunset, a waterfall, or a plant, you
train yourself to slow down and appreciate life. The more you do something, the better you become at it.

When your life is filled with gratitude, things LQQK less daunting and complicated. You spend less time being irritable, and more time enjoying yourself. 

You also re-experience the magic of life. What happens is that the "appreciation factor" kicks in, and perspective is enhanced. There is less rushing around and less frantic behavior.

Start this strategy today. You'll love the beauty you'll see and the way it makes you feel.

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Thursday, December 20, 2018

Five Steps To Taking Risks

1.     Be responsible. As an adult, you have to accept that risk is a part of life. Without risk, you stagnate.
2.     Clarify your goals. Measurable goals enhance risk. If your goals aren't measurable, you can't determine progress. Make them clear and simple.
3.     Review what's positive. Any crossroads (or fork in the road), brings a risk. With risk, comes decision. Make 2 columns, one positive, one negative. The more ideas in the positive column will indicate, "Full speed ahead!"
4.     Ask God for help. It's a mistake to think tht you can do this alone. You need to ask God for supernatural favor and insight. You can't do anything without His help. Be sure to thank Him everyday for His resources.
5.     Act. When you're done with 1-4 (above), you HAVE to ACT. Don't procrastinate. Move forward with your goals. DILIGENCE is key!

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Thursday, December 13, 2018

Baby Steps

Steve (not his real name) is someone from my church. I don’t know him well. We sit in the same section and exchange pleasantries. That’s it!

Out of the blue, he told me that he’s looking for a new car. It took him 3 years to  save 10 thousand dollars. I congratulated him for his efforts. He admitted a DUI (1990) and that he’s been clean for 28 years. Currently, he rides his bike. That is his mode of transportation. He rides within a 10 block radius of where he lives. In order to renew his license, he has to retake his drivers tests.

I was gob smacked with what he said. To admit his drinking history and recovery,  was a MAJOR DEAL. He’s taken steps to reclaim his life.

His story left me with a new found respect for him. I admire people who take steps to move forward. We ALL have the ability to take “baby steps.” It’s just that we need to do it slowly and consciously.


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Focus: Personal Conflict, Resolution, Commitment, Spirit

Questions for you: 1) What’s got you stuck? 2) What steps can you take to move forward?

Friday, December 7, 2018

Intuition and Trust

Any life change (new home, job, travel) involves intuition and trust. They work hand in hand.
Intuition is following your "gut instincts" or inner voice. Many times, it tells you what to do. Many times, we ignore it or doubt it. In order to make any positive changes, you HAVE to follow and TRUST  your intuition when it speaks to you. Here are some important  questions to get you started and MOVING FORWARD WITH CONFIDENCE.
1.   What experiences do I have that tells me that I'm intuitive?
2.   What will it take for me to rely on and apply my intuition?
3.   What is something I need to do but have ignored?
4.   What could I improve on when it comes to trusting myself?
5.   What is the BIG action I need to take NOW?

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Saturday, December 1, 2018

Sleep Hygiene: 9 Tips

Poor sleep can be related to stress, too much caffeine, depression or arthritis. Adults need 7-8 hours of sleep to restore their body and feel rested. Here are 9 tips:
  1. Keep your bed only for sleep. Don’t watch TV, talk on the phone or read in bed. Go to bed when you are drowsy and are ready to sleep.
  2. If you don’t fall asleep in 30 minutes, get up. Go to another room and do something until you are drowsy.
  3. Wind down before bed. Do something calming like listening to soothing music, praying, etc. before you go to bed.
  4. Have a regular “sleep and wake-up” time. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day.
  5. Limit naps. Mid-day naps of 10 minutes can improve your mood and mental performance. Limit naps to 15 minutes and don’t take them later than 4 in the afternoon.
  6. Increase regular exercise. Don’t do it too close to bed time.
  7. Decrease stimulants. Avoid smoking, drinking coffee or pop.
  8. Decrease alcohol. Have no more than 1 serving of alcohol at dinner.
  9. Inspect your bedroom environment. Is your room dark or free from noise? Is your bed comfortable? How about the temperature?
If you have trouble clearing your mind to fall asleep, use meditation, deep breathing or journaling.
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Friday, November 23, 2018

14 Ways To Navigate The Holidays

The holidays are almost here. Some of you might be happy. Many are not. There is an elephant  in the room that needs to be addressed – depression, loss and anxiety. Whether it be a recent loss or something over 5 years ago. Loss is loss. You can’t rush grief. It needs to be  handled. Did you know that over 45% of people don’t like to celebrate the holidays. Here are 14 positive ways to navigate them.
1)   Start your day with a prayer. I know this might sound odd but connecting with God, before you actually start your day, is the best way to start. God knows your heart. Give yourself about 10 minutes (in the morning) to stay centered with God’s daily plan. Are you stuck with a prayer? Here’s one to get you started:
Just For Today Prayer
YOU bring out wonder and miracles and make ALL things possible. I know this in my heart. I know that as I ask and believe, I will receive. LORD, YOU created me for greatness and YOU do things beyond what I can see. Help me change and make better choices. Create good things for me! LORD, keep me, my family and friends, healthy and safe. Just for today, I pray for __________. Let the Holy Spirit speak through me and guide me. Free me from distractions and manage my identity and direction. Let my band of angels carry out YOUR will. Thank YOU for my life and for this moment. Amen
2)   Go for a daily “sense” walk. This could be amidst nature or in a shopping mall. Granted, a mall walk might have some “triggers” like Xmas decorations and Xmas music. If those triggers are too much for you, do the “sense” walk outside. Bring some upbeat music to listen to. You might even want to listen to some podcasts. Anything that steers you clear of “triggers,” is the best way to approach it. BTW: A “sense” walk gets you out of negative situations. It clears your head and gives you perspective.
3)   Watch for saboteurs. There are so many people that go overboard over the holidays. If they don’t have blow-up Santa’s on the lawn, or an Xmas tree in every room of their home, they think they’re not in the spirit. You will have people who will try to sabotage your progress, especially when they can’t understand the depth of your loss. Telling you to “shake it off” and enjoy the holidays doesn’t help you address it. In fact, comments like that put you on the defensive, and cause you to shut down, because you’re not being validated.
4)   Exercise. There is a high correlation between exercise and anxiety/depression. If you exercise CONSISTENTLY, you have a better handle on the anxiety/depression that might OVERWHELM you. Pay attention to the word CONSISTENTLY! That means a couple of times per week; maybe daily. Exercise releases natural endorphins that elevate your energy. Some examples may include going to your local gym, popping in a couple of dvd’s (and burning calories) or checking out exercise clips on You-tube.
5)   Cry and express your emotions. Keeping grief inside doesn’t help you to heal your loss. Grief stays in your body and festers like cancer. If your loss is recent, you have to give yourself permission to cry; maybe even SOB. The more you do it, the better you will feel. Don’t “buy into” the message that you HAVE to be happy over the holidays. That is an untruth. Just because Mrs. Jones is ecstatic over her 7 Xmas trees, and her array of perfectly wrapped presents, does NOT mean you have to be like her.
6)   Limit your time with the people who want to celebrate. You can’t expect people NOT to celebrate the holidays. Their experiences might be different from yours. They may not have had an anniversary or holiday without a family member. As a result, they can’t relate to what you’re going through. If  they invite you to celebrate. limit your time with them. Remember, you’re navigating this holiday your way. You’re being gentle with yourself, and want to nurture your spirit the best way you can. You might talk to them ahead of time and tell them you’re “game” for visiting, but you’re limiting your time. If they agree to a limited visit, GREAT. If they pull a guilt trip on you, thank them for the invitation, but politely pass.
7)   Establish limits with family. There are family members that won’t see things your way. They are unable to change, and will try every way they know, to keep you in the drama and sadness that this holiday brings. Recognize that “drama kings and queens” know no other way and will do everything they can think of to “stir the pot of depression.” If you see them in the “drama,” walk away and ask them to respect your private time. If they refuse, it’s time to cut the cord. This sounds AWFUL, but this is about SELF-PRESERVATION and healing. There might be a silver lining to cutting the cord. They might finally see that their “drama” is a deterrent to having a healthier relationship with you!
8)   Quality time with supportive friends. Friends who love and support you in your journey, could be an important part of healing you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. An important aspect in ALL of this is QUALITY!  A five minute coffee-klatch of “Girl, how did things go over the holiday?” IS NOT QUALITY.  A quality friend doesn’t limit time to someone who is hurting. A quality friend is not distracted with a cell phone ringing, or answering texts, from family members. A quality friend doesn’t look at their watch, all the while thinking “Damn, this is such a Debby-Downer situation. I need to bolt.” If you sense a “friend” doing any of that, they’re not quality. They’re not FULLY invested in helping you heal. It’s time to let go of that friend and look for others that support you.
9)   Volunteer. Remove yourself from situations that trigger grief. Ask around for ideas of places you could go to, that would suit “helping others.” Being of service at your church, school, library, could be a good starting point. You have to start somewhere! You’ll never know how your services could help others.

10)   Refrain from the nostalgic. Family patterns are hard to break. This involves “doing things as they’ve ALWAYS been done.” Don’t buy into the message that since “dad’s gone” that listening to Xmas carols by Bing Crosby is what “he would have wanted.” Dad is gone, people are sad. Listening and doing nostalgic things won’t bring him back or preserve his memory. His memory is in your heart and spirit; never to go away. Instead of the nostalgic, do something fun. Watch fun movies or episodes of “I Love Lucy” and laugh. Laughter is the best medicine over the holidays.
11)  Establish new traditions. Time is fluid and things change. A loss in the family is inevitable and that loss might warrant a “healing” type of change. Talk to your family about establishing new traditions. Instead of going to Aunt Sally’s for Christmas Eve, why not go to a Chinese restaurant and have dinner with Aunt Sally? You’re still celebrating, just not in the usual way. You’ll be amazed at how a change of scenery will help heal and get perspective.
12)   Take a vacation. If you have the resources, remove yourself from everything and go to a place that isn’t immersed in Santa Clause and Xmas trees. Go on a cruise or visit  a place totally removed from the familiar. Many families retreat in this way to cope. Once again, it’s about healing and nurturing your spirit.
13)   One day at a time. This sounds like a cliché. In actuality, it’s your best “plan of action.” You can only manage things a little at a time. Loss brings tremendous anxiety and depression. Worrying about New Year’s Eve or Christmas Day dinner will only stress you out and will undermine the nurturing intention to “heal thyself.” Taking things in baby steps WILL get you to the finish line of navigating the holidays, your way. Be gentle with yourself.
14)  Journal your successes. Get a journal and write about your successes. Do this every night before you go to sleep. After the holidays are done, go back and review the positive strides you’ve made. You’ll be amazed at the changes you’ve made to healing your spirit, and overcoming your loss.

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Bob Roza, M.A., M.S., is a life coach. He believes in the importance of psychological, emotional and spiritual healing. Contact him at for 1-1 coaching sessions, or workshops at your place of business. 

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Grief and You

Loss can hit you when you least expect it. It can be the loss of a person, pet or thing. Each of us handles grief differently. There is no timetable to handling it. Some people take years to get over it. Many never do. What’s important is that you consider a Plan B when it happens.

Recently, I saw some unusual behaviors from a neighbor who lives across the street. I noticed that she wasn’t using her car on a daily basis. Some days, the car just sat there. This was apparent with the parking tickets that gradually appeared on her windshield. At first, they appeared monthly, then 2x a month, then every week. Those tickets are costly. They run 35 bucks each. If they are not paid by the due date, there is a 15 dollar penalty. Now the ticket is 50 bucks!

The other day, I caught her going to work. I asked her how things were going. Initially, she said things were going well. Then, there was a pause. She revealed that she just had a miscarriage. They were “trying” for a while. This loss devastated her and her husband. When she asked me why I asked about her. I told her that it was hard to miss the tickets that accumulated on her windshield. She was so grief stricken that she thought, “Fuck it. I don’t care about the tickets.” Her grief was so painful that the tickets were not that important. She continues to pay them (and the penalties), because she is so sad over the loss.

When you are IN grief, you can’t think straight. Your thoughts are jumbled. Getting dressed, or going to the bathroom is a MAJOR deal. If you don’t handle the grief, it goes DEEP and affects your body (not to mention your spirit). Your body starts to break down. You eventually develop  illnesses that can’t be helped with conventional medicine or surgery.

If you recognize that you are not yourself and pursue counseling (or a support group), you NOW have a viable option. That option helps you break out of the sadness and gives you a chance to navigate life and its choices.
Plan B’s are GOOD. Think about them the next time you are experiencing LOSS.

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Focus: Grief, Resolution, Counseling, Spirit

Questions for you: 1) What’s got you stuck? 2) What steps can you take to move forward?

Monday, November 12, 2018

Managing Your Grief

It’s often hard to manage grief in healthy ways. Here are 10 signs that you are on the right track.
·        You are using a resiliency that you weren’t aware of. You are equipped not only to endure loss but to move forward with your life.
·        You are using your own unique ways to heal grief. You aren’t following the script of other people.
·        You can talk about the loss. Talking about your loss and feelings is healthy and therapeutic.
·        You are stabilizing yourself on an emotional, mental and physical level. The powerful emotions that you initially felt, are easing up. It’s less of a “roller coaster” ride.
·        You are eating and sleeping better. When you work on grief, you let go of tension. This allows you to eat and sleep better.
·        You are enjoying the company of others.
·        You are comfortable when people don’t know what to say.
·        You realize that the “goal” is not to get over the loss but to heal it to the best of your ability.
·        You are reaching out to help others. This act indicates that you aren’t completely self-absorbed and have energy to help others.
·        You find reasons to be optimistic and look forward to the future.

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Saturday, November 3, 2018

Grief: 9 Myths

Grief is a roller coaster ride. It has ups and downs. Grieving patterns are unique. Here are 9 myths about it:

1.   People grieve the same way. Grieving is a highly individual experience. Grief depends upon a variety of factors (i.e. education, religion, life experiences etc.). No two people grieve the same way.

2.   Grief lasts 6 months to a year. Grief recovery takes two years or more before life feels “normal” again.

3.   Time heals the wound. Time alone isn’t enough. There is an old saying that tells that “time heals all wounds.” With the passage of time, the pangs of grief may become less sharp, less frequent. Healing doesn’t just simply “happen.” You must help it alone. Some ways to help include: grief support group, nurturing your spirit, taking care of your physical self with exercise and nutrition.

4.   Get over grief as soon as possible. Instead of focusing on getting over grief, focus on growing through it.

5.   Friends can help by avoiding talking about it. Grievers want and need to talk about their loss. Friends can facilitate the healing by being good listeners.

6.   Tears reveal weakness. Tears reflect a deep love and are a natural part of mourning. Many people associate tears of grief with inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family and caregivers. Crying is a natural way of releasing tension in the body. Crying makes people feel better. Tears are NOT a sign of weakness.

7.   Staying busy keeps the pain away. There is no way to avoid pain or loss. Burying yourself in a lot of activities delays the recovery process. The BEST approach is a balance of social interaction and solitude.

8.   Family and friends are your best support system. Some families have high dysfunction. Some friends have never had an experience with loss and may not know how to help. The best support comes from 2 sources: 1) People with high levels of compassion and sensitivity, 2) People who have experienced the death of a loved one.

9.   There will be closure. Closure is not some magical, mystical endpoint with a sudden ending to grief and life returns to normal. Closure is gradual. Each  person’s journey is different.

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Sunday, October 28, 2018

Staying Strong

Technology is NOT my strong suit. While I understand that it has a purpose, I’m overwhelmed in how/why things HAVE to continue to be “updated,” or evolve in the way that they do. I look at it this way, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

I’m also a visual learner. I have to see something work (many times) before I “get it.”

The above all came together when I had to learn some features about my android phone and music (for my zumba class).

I walked into a Best Buy to check out some adapters etc. I walked up to two “Mac Specialists” and asked for help. A young man (20ish) volunteered and led me to the devices I needed. As I began questioning him, he “took over” and spoke over me. The first time he did it, I gave him a “pass” and waited for him to take a breath. When he did, I interjected with more questions. He spoke over me again. I stopped him and said, “Sir, I’m a visual learner. In addition, I’m fearful of technology. I don’t understand it and want to learn this. I need to talk this out so I can feel comfortable with the product.”

Once again, he  spoke over me.
At this point, I broke eye-contact with him and looked at the floor. He enraged me to no end.

I wanted to swear at him. I chose not to. I wanted to punch him. I chose not.

I tried to interrupt. He said, “Listen, I know what you need. This device will work. I sell these things all the time.”
I reached my peak. I looked at him and said, “I’m done.” In addition, I told him he was a terrible listener. I walked out of the store. I would not give him the sale.

I felt good about the way I handled this. I stood strong in that I would NOT permit this young man to treat me disrespectfully.

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Focus: Limits, boundaries

Questions for you: 1) What situations/people repeatedly disrespect you and your boundaries? 2) How are you currently handling it? Are you letting it go or confronting it?

Saturday, October 20, 2018

General Behaviors of Anxiety or Depression

  • ·       Mind races
  • ·        Possible sleep disturbances
  • ·        Breathing is fast or shallow
  • ·        Nausea or lack of appetite
  • ·        Restless
  • ·        Jelly-like legs
  • ·        Dizzy or light headed
  • ·        Blurred vision
  • ·        Difficulty swallowing
  • ·        Heart palpitations
  • ·        Sweating or shivering
  • ·        Want to run away from the situation

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Saturday, October 13, 2018

Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression

Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression  

·        Fear
·        Panic
·        Apprehension
·        Panic attacks
·        Digestive complaints
·        Excessive worry
·        Agitation
·        Difficulty concentrating
·        Sleep disturbance

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Saturday, October 6, 2018

6 Types of Anxiety Disorders

1.   Generalized Anxiety Disorder: This presents as a long lasting anxiety not specific to a situation or object.
2.   Panic Disorder: This presents as a quick hit of terror. It’s often followed by trembling or difficulty in breathing.
3.   Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: This condition presents repetitious obsessions and compulsions.
4.   Social Anxiety Disorder: Presents itself as intense fear and social interactions managed with avoidance.
5.   Specific Phobias: Fear of a specific situation or object (i.e. spiders).
6.   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Anxiety from a traumatic experience.

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Sunday, September 30, 2018

9 Ways To Fight Fair

1.   Ask yourself why you’re upset. Take time to think about your feelings before you get into an argument.
2.   Discuss the issues 1 at a time: Resolve problems 1 at a time.
3.   Don’t use degrading language: Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings and make your partner feel bad. This just leads to more character attacks.
4.   Express your words with feelings: Be proactive and BOLD. Make sure you show your partner that you mean business WITHOUT being crude!
5.   Take turns: Each person needs to talk and each person needs to listen. Arguments are NOT resolved if this doesn’t happen!
6.   Don’t STONEWALL: If you refuse to speak, you are stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily but the issue will still be unresolved. If you can’t move forward, agree to resume the conversation a little bit later.
7.   Don’t yell: If you yell and think you’ll “win,” you’re fooling yourself. It’s a TERRIBLE idea, and shows the other person that you don’t respect them. The problem will only get worse.
8.   Take time outs: If things get too heated, take a time out to cool down and come back when you are not as upset.
9.   Compromise: Do your best to compromise. Relationships are about “give and take.”

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Sunday, September 23, 2018

Being There

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a memorial service for a lady who worked at my local bank. Although I have not attended a funeral/memorial in decades, my conscience told me to make this a priority. I went, but with trepidation. I didn’t know what to expect.

The service was lovely and respectful. Many people came. I was concerned though that many of this lady’s colleagues didn’t show. It was on a Sunday afternoon. In the weeks leading to the service a number of them asked me if they’d see me there. I said yes and believed they’d show their support. They didn’t. This bothered me A LOT. How could they just not be there?

As I absorbed the moment. I pictured myself as the deceased. I know that sounds maudlin but at 61, you think of stuff like that. Over and over I thought, “In the past, people haven’t been there for me. I’ve supported them when they needed me; why not the reverse? Even in death, would they drop everything to remember me?” Each time I asked myself this, the response was the same. NO!

The service lasted an hour. I left in a hurry. I couldn’t breathe in the intensity of everything. The realization of the lack of people not in attendance bothered me (for this lady), and myself. I got to my car and sobbed at the behavior of people.

When I was younger and a person died, people showed up. It didn’t matter whether it was a family member, close friend or neighbor. People showed up. They showed respect and offered condolences. This behavior reflected integrity.

What has happened to society and our values?

Focus: Kindness, empathy, spirit, friendship, legacy
Question for you: 1) Are you showing up for people or are you making excuses?

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Anger Warning Signs

Sometimes, anger can affect what you say or do before you even recognize how you’re feeling. You may become so used to the feeling of anger that you don’t notice it.
Even if you aren’t aware of anger, it influences your behavior. The first step to managing anger is learning to recognize your personal warning signs.
How do you react when you feel angry. Some of these warning signs start when you are only a little irritated. Which ones apply to you?

  • ·        Mind goes blank
  • ·        Body or hands shake
  • ·        Heavy or fast breathing
  • ·        Scream, yell  or raise your voice
  • ·        Punch walls
  • ·        Become argumentative
  • ·        Pace
  • ·        Insult the other person
  • ·        Start sweating
  • ·        Clench fists
  • ·        Feel hot
  • ·        Go “quiet” and shut down
  • ·        Headaches
  • ·        Face turns red
  • ·        Feel sick to your stomach
  • ·        Become aggressive
  • ·        Crying
  • ·        Can’t stop thinking about the problem

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Monday, September 10, 2018

4 Ways To Resolve Conflict

1.   Focus on the Problem: When a disagreement turns to insults, the conversation is no longer productive. Focus on the problem and don’t blame your partner. If a disagreement becomes personal, take a break from the conversation.
2.   Use “I” Statements: When sharing a concern, begin your sentences with “I” Here’s an example, I feel hurt when you don’t call and tell me  you’re going to be late for dinner. “I” statements show that you take responsibility for your behaviors.
3.   Take time outs: When you and your partner get argumentative, it’s good to take a break or a “time out.” When you’ve  both calmed down, come back to resolving the problem. Make sure that you come back to the conversation and get closure!
4.   Work toward a Resolution: Disagreements are a part of a relationship. Try to find a compromise that benefits the both of you.

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