Company jargon should stay in your company. Using it with callers
or with people outside the office
causes mistakes and confusion. You are far
more familiar with these terms than the people outside of “work.” You won’t
impress anyone with knowledge that they don’t understand. In fact, you will annoy
and frustrate them.
Breathwork can be soothing and enjoyable (once you understand its
principles). An important part of breath work is letting it flow, rather than
making it happen. The free flow of breath brings peace and tranquility. It
prepares the mind to flow freely.
When you direct your attention to the breath, your mind may want
to go elsewhere. Every time you focus on “breath,” you let go of your “mind
chatter.” Concentrating on breathing enables your mind to gather its scattered
energies so that you are more clear. When you focus on your breathing,
you gradually enlarge the scope of your awareness.
The “breathing awareness” can help you with your day to day
activities. Turning to your breath can keep you grounded. It can assist you in
cutting down on unnecessary thinking that distracts you from the here and now.
Part 3: Fatigue: Settle
into your everyday breath. After it has slowed down, pause briefly after all
exhalations. Rest in the stillness. Continue to explore lengthening your
exhalations for 10-15 breaths. Then lengthen your inhalations. Watch your
breath for 10-15 minutes.
Part 4: Depression:
Working with depression can be more difficult that working with anxiety or
fatigue. You don’t want to force your breath. It can increase your lousy mood.
As with any breathwork, start by settling into a comfortable position and allow
your breath to slow down and smooth out. For depression, the effect of the
breath on your mood is the best indicator of how long you should continue this
exercise. Start out with a time goal – say ten minutes. Work your way up as you
How often do you need to practice? There’s no pat answer. It’s a
practice like any other and the more you exercise your ability to watch your
breath, the better you’ll become at doing it. If you can, schedule a breath
awareness for 10 minutes a day. See how it is when you are anxious vs. relaxed.
Pay attention to how long the positive feeling lasts. You may find that
conscious breathing not only soothes your emotions and boosts your energy; it
can also make your life richer and more fun!
I can’t change my history. I wish I could. I’ve been the “token
male” (minority) in my family, in academics, and in my career. I don’t have the
sports gene. I don’t have any interest in it. I’ve tried. Alas, it’s a lost
cause. During my high school years, I was bullied by jocks. The “f” word
(rhymes with hag) was hurled on me, (and my friends), every day. We ALL had
absent fathers who didn’t/couldn’t model masculinity. Back in the day, (maybe
even now); being active in sports was the way boys bonded. If you excelled, you
WERE a man. If you didn’t, something was wrong with you. It’s hard to navigate
your life when you buy into what “society” says is the way you should be.
Recently, I read a book (What
I Know For Sure) by the respected talk show host, Tavis Smiley. It’s about
his experiences growing up poor and African American in the U.S. Due to some familial
circumstances involving his aunt; he became a product of a 14+ family. His step
father took on the responsibility of his, and his wife’s (sisters) children.
The stress was unbelievable, and eventually caused his step father to lose his
temper by calling Tavis the “f” word. He
beat him with an electrical cord. This action placed Tavis in foster care. His
relationship with his step-dad was never the same.
I had forgotten my history with those high school taunts. After
reading Smiley’s book, I thought about how parents use that word (toward their
sons), when they want them to follow a societal map, vs. a personal map, of who
they should be. You hear many parents say they love their child unconditionally,
but I wonder how that unconditional love changes when there is even a hint,
that their child goes off the path of ultra-masculinity. Maybe their interests
are geared to the aesthetic or cultural areas. Anything that’s off the beaten
path may “ignite” the word.
Many times, parents put their sons in sports to teach them skills
and to place them in a “masculine” environment. The parents get angry at the
coaches, and shout at them, when their kids sit out a game. These same parents
demean their kids in public in an effort to measure up. In actuality, they’re
dealing with an element of shame.
These dads see that maybe their sons don’t like a sport (or sports in general),
and constantly push them into an arena that doesn’t fit. The sons try to
assimilate and learn the skills, because they want to please dad, and want his
approval. But what is learned LOUDER is that they’re not masculine enough, and
maybe dad is right. Once that message is in place, it grows like a nagging,
stubborn weed. As many times as you try to uproot it, it grows back with a
haunting message that the son isn’t good enough.
Many of the guys that went to my high school, didn’t have dads
that spent time with them. These dads were the bread winners. Their established
roles were to “make the babies” and leave the raising of them, to the “wife.”
While this type of family dynamic was the “norm,” it didn’t have positive
longevity. The son felt abandoned in that, their dad wasn’t there for them. In
addition, the son felt ridiculed and shamed by the dad, who believed they’d
change their son into “macho men,” only to realize that the damage was done.
Calling them the “f” word (or even suggesting that they were gay or unmanly (by
dad’s standards) already created a confusing path of “what is masculine and
normal.” It only takes one moment to degrade a son. The seed is already
planted. The son looks for validation from his father. If it’s not provided,
the son continues to believe what the dad (and mom) believe in their spirit.
The son’s spirit splinters because he wants to prove he’s worthy to his dad. He
also wants to pursue those interests that he knows he’s good at.
Case in point. One of my childhood friend’s dad, enrolled him in
many heavy-duty contact sports (football, hockey, baseball). While the son did
well in these sports, he excelled at tennis, swimming and volleyball. The dad
continued to push. The son established his own path. In addition, the son
gravitated to theatre and music. The dad didn’t approve. In fact, the son’s
seventh grade teacher degraded the son’s interest in theatre by saying, “only
girls act.” These comments, and overt behaviors, crushed the son’s spirit. He
put his interests on “hold” and never pursued them. He grew angry with his
decision to not pursue his passions, because of what others might say/said
All of these comments destroy a spirit, until one day the person
is filled with such utter despair and feelings of worthlessness, that they commit
suicide. For many, this seems a logical solution to what society says a boy/man
All of this, as a result of a parent using the “f” word in order
to move a boy into what they believe is “masculine.”
Focus: Masculinity, Parents, Spirit
Question for you:1) Are you a parent who’s pushed your son into a
situation because you can’t handle/understand a softness/sense of empathy that
goes against your model of masculinity? 2) Are you aware of your biases toward
men who don’t meet your standard of masculinity?