yourself why you’re upset. Take time to think about your feelings
before you get into an argument.
the issues 1 at a time: Resolve problems 1 at a time.
3.Don’t use degrading language: Degrading
language is an attempt to express negative feelings and make your partner feel
bad. This just leads to more character attacks.
4.Express your words with feelings: Be
proactive and BOLD. Make sure you show your partner that you mean business
WITHOUT being crude!
Each person needs to talk and each person needs to listen. Arguments are NOT
resolved if this doesn’t happen!
6.Don’t STONEWALL: If
you refuse to speak, you are stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily
but the issue will still be unresolved. If you can’t move forward, agree to
resume the conversation a little bit later.
7.Don’t yell: If
you yell and think you’ll “win,” you’re fooling yourself. It’s a TERRIBLE idea,
and shows the other person that you don’t respect them. The problem will only
8.Take time outs: If
things get too heated, take a time out to cool down and come back when you are
not as upset.
your best to compromise. Relationships are about “give and take.”
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a memorial service for
a lady who worked at my local bank. Although I have not attended a
funeral/memorial in decades, my conscience told me to make this a priority. I
went, but with trepidation. I didn’t know what to expect.
The service was lovely and respectful. Many people came.
I was concerned though that many of this lady’s colleagues didn’t show. It was
on a Sunday afternoon. In the weeks leading to the service a number of them
asked me if they’d see me there. I said yes and believed they’d show their
support. They didn’t. This bothered me A LOT. How could they just not be there?
As I absorbed the moment. I pictured myself as the
deceased. I know that sounds maudlin but at 61, you think of stuff like that.
Over and over I thought, “In the past, people haven’t been there for me. I’ve
supported them when they needed me; why not the reverse? Even in death, would
they drop everything to remember me?” Each time I asked myself this, the
response was the same. NO!
The service lasted an hour. I left in a hurry. I couldn’t
breathe in the intensity of everything. The realization of the lack of people
not in attendance bothered me (for this lady), and myself. I got to my car and
sobbed at the behavior of people.
When I was younger and a person died, people showed up.
It didn’t matter whether it was a family member, close friend or neighbor.
People showed up. They showed respect and offered condolences. This behavior
on the Problem: When a disagreement turns to insults, the
conversation is no longer productive. Focus on the problem and don’t blame your
partner. If a disagreement becomes personal, take a break from the
“I” Statements: When sharing a concern, begin your sentences
with “I” Here’s an example, I feel hurt
when you don’t call and tell me you’re
going to be late for dinner. “I” statements show that you take
responsibility for your behaviors.
time outs: When you and your partner get argumentative, it’s good
to take a break or a “time out.” When you’ve
both calmed down, come back to resolving the problem. Make sure that you
come back to the conversation and get closure!
toward a Resolution: Disagreements are a part of a relationship.
Try to find a compromise that benefits the both of you.